


I'm Not Ready For This

by MusicLover6661



Category: Avenged Sevenfold
Genre: Character Death, Death, Depression, Drug Use, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 08:06:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13290645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicLover6661/pseuds/MusicLover6661





	1. Chapter 1

It wasn't that I was starved for attention, as my lovely mother had once put it. I was just kind of tired of being single. I was twenty seven years old, and had one relationship that really only blew up in my face. And I didn't need a boyfriend anyway, I was doing just fine on my own. And no one was going to derail that for me. I had my little pup, and my job to help keep me busy for now. So even if the right person came along, I wouldn't be able to stop my life anyhow. Just gonna do what's best for me.

~~~~ 

“So, I met this really cute guy last night” My best friend Krista had taken me out to lunch since we hadn't seen each other in a while, she was the more adventurous one in life.  
“Oh? Who's the new guy?” I sipped my drink and watched her cheeks flush with color, so this wasn't some brand new guy.  
“Well, I met him through a coworker, and she said he's really good looking and nice. So he and I exchanged numbers and I worked up the courage to ask him on a date” She smiled and took a bite of her food, she looked ready to explode with excitement.  
“And?” I asked, I admit I was getting curious.  
“He's even better looking in person Zack, and you know how I am around attractive people. But him, oh honey I was ready to take him home the moment I laid eyes on him?” I raised my eyebrow slightly at that, she hadn't felt that way about anyone in a while.  
“Let's see a pic then, I wanna see what your future husband looks like” She lightly smacked my arm and pulled out her phone before gasping. Her eyes were locked on the entrance where two people had walked in.

Must've been the mystery man she was telling me about, hopefully he didn't have a secret relationship that he was hiding from her. I turned to look at where she was staring and felt my breath hitch, there were two men. One short, with short black cropped hair, his arms covered in tattoos. The other was tall, with short black spiked hair, his arms covered in colorful tattoos, and a smile that would melt anyone's heart in a heartbeat. The only thing I could hope, is that her mystery man was the shorter one, because holy hell he was beautiful. Krista stood up and waved them both over, holding her arms out to hug the shorter guy. So maybe I was right, the greek god stood next to him with a small smile. Jesus christ I was gushing over someone I had seen not even five seconds ago, what was wrong with me?

“Zack, this is Johnny, Johnny this is Zack” I stood up and shook Johnny's hand, he seemed friendly enough.  
“Hey man nice to meet you, this is my friend Brian, we've known each other since high school” Brian, it fit him perfectly.  
“Have a seat, we just started eating our lunch” Krista sat back down as Johnny, and Brian pulled over chairs for themselves. At least he had a friend with him so this wouldn't be as awkward.  
“I didn't know you liked this place, I would've taken you here for our date” Johnny couldn't take his eyes off her, it was kinda cute. Myself on the other hand, couldn't stop staring at Brian when he had his attention elsewhere.  
“I wasn't sure how you felt about Italian food, I know Zack loves it, so we decided to get lunch and catch up” She was making it obvious she was interested in him.

After calling over the waitress, Johnny and Brian both ordered food and drinks for themselves. Luckily I had the day off so I wouldn't have to rush through lunch with everyone to get home in time. The conversation flowed easily from everyone, and whenever everyone was eating there were no awkward silences. Brian on the other hand, hadn't spoken a word since he had sat down. Maybe he was deaf, or mute and wasn't able to talk. Nothing wrong with that. Although I'm sure Johnny would've warned us about something like that.

“I still can't believe you two met through Val, what're the odds?” His voice was like music, he had the Cali drawl.   
“Well Matt did say she worked there, I just didn't realized she worked with such a lovely woman” I felt myself blush at Johnny's comment. Krista on the other hand was turning as red as her hair. She hadn't stopped smiling either.  
“Oh stop, you're being too kind” She gently patted his arm and rested her hand atop of his, there was love in their eyes. Anyone with half a brain could see it.  
“It's what he does best” Brian picked up his sandwich and took a bite, winking at Johnny who then rolled his eyes. They seemed like jokesters with one another.  
“If anyone's a flirt here, it's you” Johnny glanced over at Brian with a smirk, hey, he's probably the best looking person in Cali, he has every right to be a flirt.  
“Someone in our friend group has to be, you guys can't get dates to save your lives” Brian laughed as Johnny raised his eyebrow and looked between himself and Krista. She had been the one to initiate the date, so Brian wasn't wrong.  
“Yeah whatever” Johnny chuckled and shook his head, at least he didn't take it personally.

After everyone had finished their meals, and paid. Although, Johnny refused to let Krista pay for her meal whatsoever. And Brian offered to buy mine to be nice, he smiled at me, I had no choice but to give in. I bid a quick goodbye to Krista and headed over to my car, unfortunately Johnny had decided to park right next to me. So even though I had wanted to get away from Brian's hypnotically gorgeous features, I wouldn't be able to. I unlocked the drivers side and got in, as I started the car I looked over to where Johnny was saying goodbye to Krista. What would it be like to have someone look at you as if you're the most beautiful thing they've ever seen?

I quickly shook the thought from my mind and turned on the radio, the Metallica album I had put in began to play loudly through the speakers. I shrugged my shoulders and decided to keep the volume where it was at. I would just end up turning it back up anyway. As I pulled out of the space, I waved to Krista, followed by Brian and Johnny as they walked back to his car. Okay, don't get into an accident on the way home. That would make you look like an idiot and you don't need that right now. Just get home and you'll be just fine. I just couldn't stop thinking about Brian, he was plaguing every single one of my thoughts. Damn, I was sure I'd end up seeing him again too. Especially if Krista and Johnny ended up getting together.

“Might not be a bad thing, who knows? Maybe he could be a really cool friend” Except my brain was thinking more along the “he could be an even better boyfriend”. Not happening.

I pulled into my driveway and shut off the car, my phone began buzzing soon after. Goddamnit! Please don't be work, I really needed this day off. I picked up the phone and looked at the texts I were receiving, some were from Krista excitingly telling me that Johnny was taking her out again tonight. And the others were from a number I did not recognize at all. I raised my eyebrow slightly and opened the texts. They were all from Brian, he had gotten my number from Krista after I had left. Holy shit, this is huge, this is a really big deal. I responded back to his texts and reread Krista's, apparently Johnny was planning to take her somewhere expensive and needed some advice on what to wear. I was always happy to help. I turned the car back on and headed to her house.

My phone started buzzing the closer I got to her house, they were probably her saying how she didn't have anything to wear. Or that she was afraid she would do something stupid and embarrass herself in front of him. She'd be perfectly fine in my opinion, the guy is head over heels for her already. I pulled in and got out of the car quickly, grabbing my phone to see if Brian had responded. My heart melted slightly when I saw he had, he had sent a picture of him playing with his dog. My heart couldn't handle this! Not only is he gorgeous, and funny, but he's a dog lover too? He's my dream man. I grabbed my keys and went inside without knocking, she was expecting me anyway.

“He kissed me! Zack I am going to die if he kisses me again tonight, he's all I could ever ask for and I just” She plopped down onto her bed and squealed excitedly.   
“I'm sure you will, what about the green dress for my works Christmas party last year? It'd match your hair perfectly and he'd be drooling the moment he saw you” She sat up and looked at me as if I was a genius. I had picked out the dress in the first place.  
“You are the best person ever you know that?” She ran over to her closet and began to rummage through the clothes, yelling as she pulled out the dress.

It was the perfect length for her body, she could show off her curves without it hugging too tight in the wrong places. The V-neck design cut just right to amp up her cleavage without any worries of a nip slip.

“Matching bra and panties or no?” She was either determined to kiss him, or fuck him.  
“Go for it, who knows if you'll get lucky and get to fuck him” I chuckled as she tossed a small pillow at me.  
“I'm being good for tonight” She walked back over to her closet and pulled out what I assumed were a panty and bra set she only wore for special occasions.

I started to wonder if I would ever get to do this for someone, granted the only person I would want to at this point was Brian, but that's a daydream for a different day. Hopefully I don't have to wait too long for it though.


	2. Chapter 2

Things between Brian and I never escalated, it was clear he was just being friendly towards me. Even though he definitely flirted with me from time to time. Although I think he was drunk when he did that, so maybe he was really flirtatious when he was drunk. Krista would gush to me constantly about her and Johnny’s dates. It had been a good two months, and they were calling themselves boyfriend and girlfriend. She had wanted him to meet her family, which was a huge deal to her. I hadn’t even met her family for a while, not for at least two years. He would fit in just fine with them.

 

“Matt, fucking stop throwing shit at me” I glared over at my friend Matt as he flicked another paper ball at me. He was getting bored waiting around for me to finish working on my article. In other words he wanted to go out and meet up with his fiance.

“Zack, you’ve been working on that since noon, let’s go before Val yells at me for being late again” I rolled my eyes and saved the document before closing everything.

 

I still had a good hour or more of work, but I didn’t want to piss Matt off anymore than I already had, that was the last thing I needed at that point. I grabbed my keys and walked out to his car, he had said a friend of Val’s was going to be joining us, so I wouldn’t feel left out. Nice way of saying I wouldn’t be third wheeling it like usual. We headed down to the bar where Val had told us to go, it was a usual place of ours. Somewhere we had gone for years. Fake ID’s were all the rage when we were kids.

 

Matt parked next to Val’s car and got out, waving over to her and…Krista? Wait a second, I remembered Brian saying that a Val was coworkers with Krista, but I never put two and two together I guess. Small world I guess.

 

“Zack! I wasn’t expecting to see you” She ran over and hugged me tight. Johnny was standing by the doorway with Val and Brian. Johnny must’ve invited him to come along like Matt did with me.

“I came with Matt to hang out with him and Val” I hugged her waist and chuckled, it was pretty awesome knowing that most of our friends were also friends.

“That’s so crazy, I was just talking to Val about you a couple minutes ago” I glanced over at Val, who was smiling coyly at me. That was never a good sign with her. 

“Well let’s go inside, we can all sit down and chat” I walked over with her to where Johnny and Brian were standing. Johnny quickly stamped out his cigarette and looked over at Brian. Who didn’t look ready to go inside the bar yet. 

“I’ll meet you guys inside” Brian took a puff of his cigarette and leaned up against the side of the building.

 

Everyone else headed into the bar, leaving only Brian and I outside. I was tempted to ask him for a smoke, but thought better of it. He probably bummed one off of Johnny anyhow.

 

“So, everyone knows everyone apparently” Brian was looking right at me, and at that moment I could barely focus on what he was saying.

“Yes they do, it’s a small world” I slid my hands into my pockets and shivered lightly, the breeze felt nice, just a little too cold though.

“Let’s head inside, it’s getting chilly” Brian stamped out his cigarette and went into the bar.

 

I followed suit and went over to the table where everyone was. They had ordered a couple pitchers to go around for everyone. It was a Friday night, so everyone was just enjoying themselves. Krista and Johnny were cuddled together in the corner, of course. Matt and Val were discussing wedding ideas, they had gotten engaged a few months prior and were trying to figure out dates, and colors. All the works. Brian looked as if he was people watching, his beer was held loosely in one hand, and the other was tapping against the table.

 

“Jimmy’s on his way” Matt was the first one to break the silence, the awkward silence that ensued was one that could choke the life out of someone.

 

Jimmy was a close friend of ours that had been in and out of rehabs for the last five years. Whenever he would come home from rehab sober, he would relapse and no one would see him for a good six months before he went to another rehab. How he could afford the drugs and the rehabs I wasn’t sure. So at this point, he was either going to walk into the bar high as a kite, or sober once again. I wasn’t sure which side I wanted to see of him. The door opened and everyone turned to stare at the door, he was clean shaven, and his clothes looked well kept and nice. So we would be seeing his sober side again.

 

“Brian!” Jimmy ran over and nearly tackled Brian off of his chair in what I could only assume was a bear hug, his arms wrapped tight around him.

“Holy shit Jim, when did you get back?” He knew Jimmy too?! Jesus christ, who else did he know that I didn’t know about?

“I got back like two days ago, I was trying to clean out the apartment” Brian looked up at Jimmy and smiled, his eyes glowing with happiness. At least he had better memories than I did.

“It’s so good to see you dude” Brian stood up and properly hugged Jimmy, patting his back gently.

 

Jimmy pulled over a chair and sat with Brian, they were having their own conversation that no one else paid much attention to. They were catching up on everything Brian had missed, and everything Jimmy had missed. I couldn’t help the twinge of jealousy that wrapped itself around me, I had wanted to talk to Brian most of the night. And that was yanked out from under me within a matter of minutes. Oh who was I kidding, he clearly wasn’t comfortable talking to me in person. It’s why he texted me so often.

 

I grabbed my glass and finished my beer, looking around at everyone else. Matt, and Val were now immersed in Johnny, and Krista’s conversation. Brian and Jimmy were still sucked into their own little bubble. And then there was me, awkwardly sitting on the outside while everyone else enjoyed themselves. I was used to this, the only time I was ever included in any conversation is when they were trying to ask me something. And right now that wasn’t the case, I was the third wheel to each conversation. I wasn’t supposed to be included. I set my glass down and headed outside, I’d have to call an uber to get home since Matt had driven me. Just have to find someone who didn’t like to talk that much is all. Then I could go home and finish my work, get it submitted tonight and relax for the weekend. All by myself like usual.

 

With shaky hands I pulled out my phone and requested an uber, hopefully no one noticed me missing before I was able to get home. I couldn’t deal with that awkwardness, having to tell them I was going home because I felt left out. It felt childish even thinking about it, but it was true. Everyone else was enjoying themselves and I was just there as a background fixture. As the driver pulled up I got in, I muttered a hello as he started driving. Silence, that was exactly what I needed in that moment more than anything else. I had put my phone on silent as to not draw attention to myself, that was the last thing I wanted. The driver pulled up to my driveway and bid me a farewell, I was definitely going to give him a great rating.

 

I pulled out my keys and walked up to the front door, the street lights were turning on as I opened the door, just late enough that I could finish work and then crawl into bed. I shut and locked the door once I was inside, dropping my keys onto the table near the door. Shoes, jacket next. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and frowned. No texts, phone calls, just nothing. Stop getting so upset Zack, they’re just enjoying themselves right now, they didn’t notice right away. I nodded slowly and walked over to my couch, my laptop was still sitting on the coffee table where I had left it. The papers I had been using for research lying next to it. I sat down on the couch and opened my laptop, setting my phone screen down next to it. Once it had finished loading I started working on my article again. My boss wasn’t expecting me to finish this for at least another week, but with the circumstances I needed something to occupy my mind. As I typed the last line I smiled to myself, it was better than most of the things I had written before. And who knows, maybe I would get a raise from it. I wasn’t struggling for money by any means, but a raise was nice every now and then.

 

I signed the bottom of the article with my name and saved all the documents before emailing it to my boss, he wouldn’t be able to read it til Monday, but it was better than having it sit in my computer for me to scrutinize. I flipped my phone over and turned on the screen. Nothing. Figures. My heart filled with dread, maybe I was just a burden to all of them. They just asked me to come hang out so I got out of my house for once. They didn’t actually like being my friend, they were just being nice. How could I have been so blind this entire time? That’s obviously how they actually felt. I couldn’t remember the last time we all hung out together and actually talked together. Oh that’s right, because there’s never been a time like that. I frowned and shut off my laptop before heading down to my bedroom. At least I was home where I could do whatever I pleased. No one to bother me, I could relax in bed and watch whatever was on Netflix.

 

I put my phone on the charger and headed into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. I wasn’t planning on going to bed so early, but I just needed to lay down. After I had finished my nightly routine I went to go find something comfortable to sleep in. I hadn’t done my laundry in a while because I had been so busy with work. I’d have to do some tomorrow since I had the weekend off. I changed into a pair of sweats I’d had longer than I could even remembered and crawled into bed, the comforter felt so nice. I scrolled through the options and sighed, I guess I could just re-watch Stranger Things. I turned on episode one and relaxed into the pillows. My phone still hadn’t gone off still and I was starting to lose hope, did no one care at all that I wasn’t there? Then again, four of them were in relationships, and the other two hadn’t seen each other in however long. I held my breath for a few seconds, I refused to start crying over all of this. It was just so stupid! I’m an adult, I have plenty of other friends…except I really didn’t. God I’m so pathetic. Of course they didn’t care to notice I was gone, I was the mopey one of the group. They could all have the time’s of their lives, I was going to end my night by falling asleep like I usually did. Alone with a show on in the background.

 

Except I couldn’t fall asleep, my brain was running wild with the thoughts of what they might’ve been doing. Had they left the bar and gone back to Matt and Val’s house to talk more and enjoy the rest of the night? My chest was aching, I was letting my depression get the better of me and I couldn’t let that happen. I had to be positive about this, I had to at least try for once. I looked over at my phone one last time and shook my head before rolling over, I was going to be just fine.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning had been very uneventful, I hadn’t even gotten a single text asking if I got home alright, it just solidified what I had already been thinking. My friends didn’t care about me, they only took me out so I didn’t become a shut in. So I’d get human interaction at least once a month. I was doing just fine without the rest of them, I would do just fine without anyone else in my life. I had done three loads of laundry before my phone dinged loudly in the other room. It was probably my boss emailing me about the article. I sighed, before my phone dinged four more times. And then someone was calling me. What the hell? I ran out to the living room and answered the phone without looking at who was calling.

 

“Hello?” My voice sounded tired and defeated, maybe they thought I was sleeping.

“Zack, what the hell happened to you last night?” It was Matt, he was most likely checking up on me.

“What’re you talking about?” I was trying to act oblivious to the fact that I left after what was probably twenty minutes.

“You disappeared, when did you leave?” He didn’t sound angry or upset, just concerned.

“Oh, after like a half hour” I wasn’t going to lie to him, he deserved the truth.

“Zack, talk to me” He knew something was wrong, I could feel the ache in my chest once again.

“It’s just stupid, I had to finish my work” My eyes were welling up with tears, I hadn’t talked to anyone about how I felt.

“Is it because Jimmy was there?” Leave it to Matt to think of one of the reasons right off the bat.

“I gotta go Matt, I’ll talk to you later” I hung up quickly and went to look at the texts, there were a couple from Krista, one from Val, and one from Brian. He asked if I wanted to hang out with him and Jimmy.

 

I couldn’t do that, I’d look like the awkward third wheel again. I typed back to everyone and hovered over Brian’s text. What excuse could I give to him that sounded believable? I couldn’t risk seeing him out in public if I used the working excuse. So I did what any normal person would do, I said no and that I would talk to him later. It felt good in the moment, until I began to panic. What if Jimmy was the one who wanted to hang out? Or what if Brian actually wanted to hang out with me today? Oh don’t think like that, you know neither of them wanna see you. Of course he wouldn’t, he obviously has better friends than me. Oh who am I kidding, I’m not one of his friends. I’m just someone he talks to when he’s bored.

 

I jumped at the sound of someone knocking loudly at my door. Who in the world? 

 

I walked over and opened the door slightly before I was pushed back against the wall as whomever it was walked inside. I opened my mouth to start shouting as I shut the door and glanced over at Brian. Oh shit.

 

“What’re you doing at my house? And how the hell do you know where I live?” I was more taken aback that he found out my address more than I was that he was even here.

“Matt told me to check up on you, said he’s worried you’d fallen into an old habit, but wouldn’t tell me” I felt my breath hitch, so Matt was having him act like a babysitter because I was depressed now?

“You can tell him I’m fucking fine, now if you’ll get out of my house” I held the door open and glared at him, I wasn’t mad at Brian. I could never be mad at that man.

“Are you sure you’re okay Zack?” Brian walked over and gently placed his hands on my shoulders. I wanted nothing more than to cry. To tell him everything I was feeling.

“I’m fine” I nodded stiffly and watched as Brian left.

“Tell Jimmy I said hi” I shut the door as soon as Brian was down to his car.

 

I was going to give Matt a piece of my mind, having Brian check up on me as if I’m a fucking child. God it felt so wrong. I went down to my bedroom and pulled on clean clothes, I was going to get to the bottom of all this. They couldn’t start caring after ignoring the problem for so many years, it wasn’t how things worked! After I had gotten dressed and had my shoes on, I grabbed my phone, keys, and wallet before heading down to my car. I couldn’t see anything but red, I couldn’t remember the last time I had been this angry in my life.

 

As I drove towards Matt’s house I started to realize what I was doing was idiotic, what would I even say when I got there. “Oh no Matt I’m perfectly fine, I just feel like everyone secretly hates me because I’m a piece of shit?”. Yeah, that wasn’t going to work at all. I stopped and pulled into a Starbucks parking lot. Maybe a coffee would help me stop and think about what I was doing. I got out of my car and went inside, there was a small line. Which normally I’d be annoyed with but I needed a couple seconds to figure out what I even wanted. That is, until I heard Jimmy’s voice in the corner. Why me.

 

“No, you have to understand Brian. He’s been on his own since he was eighteen, his parents threw him out after he came out and he struggled to get where he was today” Oh my god, they were talking about me. About the shit I’ve gone through.

“He seemed angry when I told him Matt sent me to check on him, like he was doing something and I interrupted” Brian sat back and sipped his coffee slowly.

“He’s always been a quiet guy, he likes his personal space and when people invade it he gets angry. You didn’t notice him last night at the bar? When I got there everyone was talking to someone else, except for him. He was sitting by himself with absolutely no one. Hell, Matt didn’t even try to include him in anything” It was hitting too close to home, Jimmy had always been an observer. It was why we used to be so close. He could tell when I was upset without anyone else noticing for a while.

“Are you serious? How didn’t I notice it?” Brian’s jaw was opened slightly, he was genuinely shocked.

“He doesn’t say it outright, he never will. He’s always been a people pleaser, so even when he feels like the world is against him, he will try and make you feel good” Jimmy finished his coffee and rested his hands against the table.

 

My heart was beating erratically as I walked up to the counter, I couldn’t focus on anything in that moment. I mumbled out my order to the cashier and paid. Luckily I wouldn’t have to give my name and have them catch me. I didn’t give Jimmy enough credit, he knew so much about me and I was the one ignoring him constantly. I took my coffee when it was done and headed over to the doors, right as Brian was about leave as well. Fuck!

 

Jimmy was saying my name, but it sounded muffled, as if I had cotton in my ears. The only thing I could focus on was Brian, his expression concerned. My feet felt as if they were glued to the ground, I wanted to run and get into my car but I couldn’t move enough to do that. Before I could make any type of thoughts I was being brought out to Jimmy’s car. Jimmy must’ve taken the coffee out of my hand so I didn’t spill it all over myself.

 

“Sit him down, he’s having an anxiety attack” Jimmy said to Brian as he opened the back door to his car.

“Jesus, I thought he was going to pass out” Brian set me down in the car and stood back to give me air.

 

Everything was spinning, I felt dizzy and nauseous. In that moment I wanted nothing more than to be held in my mothers arms. She always knew how to comfort me when I was upset. But I couldn’t be there, I was sitting in the back of my friend’s car trying not to die. Brian knelt down and held my face gently in his hands, my heart began the beat erratically in my chest. This wasn’t helping my anxiety at all right now, I had dreams of kissing this man and now his face was less than a foot away from my own. I parted my lips slightly and slid my hand up to grip his hair as I sobbed loudly. His arms wrapped tightly around me. All I had ever wanted was someone to show they cared about me. To show compassion when no one else would. It didn’t matter that none of this would be the same to Brian as it was to me. He was showing he cared when I needed it most. And I was going to do everything in my power to hold onto it for as long as I could.

 

“I gotta get home and see Michelle, can you take him over to Matt’s for now please?” I shut my eyes tight and felt the tears slip down. Stop getting your hopes up, your heart can’t handle it Zack.

“Yeah, Val’s got some xanax he can take” I let go of Brian and swallowed the sob that was threatening to escape.

“Try and stay awake, okay?” He stood up and went over to his own car. My heart wasn’t thundering in my chest anymore, it felt like it was barely beating.

 

Jimmy got into the drivers seat and headed on the way to Matt’s house, he stayed on the phone with who I assumed was Val until we pulled into the driveway. He was giving them tabs on how I was. Was dead inside a real thing? Cause I sure as fuck felt as if I was completely hollow at this point. Matt walked outside with Val following close behind, her horrified gasp normally would’ve got my attention, but I couldn’t bare to move at all. I wondered what I looked like to them. Did I look as horrible as I felt? Like a zombie?

 

“We’re gonna go inside Zack” Matt put his arm around my waist and helped me out of the car, I weakly held onto his shoulder and went inside slowly. Krista was sitting in the living room with Johnny as we walked in. This was the last thing I wanted.

“Sit him down in the guest room” Val walked down to the bathroom at the end of the hall as Matt steered me towards the guest room I had slept in once.

 

The bed was plush and soft, but it wasn’t like my bed. The room felt foreign to me, like I wasn’t supposed to be there. Val walked into the room holding a bottle of water and a pill I wasn’t sure I wanted to take. I had never done well on medication. And that wasn’t going to change after one anxiety attack. She tipped my head back and basically force fed me the pill, I do have to admit I was almost comatose so I see why she did what she did. She laid me down on the bed and pulled the comforter over my body. Maybe a nap would help, help me feel alive once again. I closed my eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.

 

I awoke when the sky was dark, there were seven voices talking. Not loud enough for me to hear what they were saying though. I stood up from the bed and stretched, my back cracking as I fixed my jeans. I walked out of the room slowly and as quietly as I could, I wanted to hear what they were all talking about. The closer I got, the more I heard my name come up. They were probably talking about the severity of my anxiety attack today.

 

“He just became so zombie like when I said I had to leave. I don’t know what I did” Brian was talking to everyone, his girlfriend was probably with them too.

“I know what you’re talking about, he looked like he was dead when he got here this afternoon. I’ve never seen his eyes look so lifeless before” Matt frowned and held Val’s hand tighter.

“I think he misses home, he’s been talking about his mom a lot lately” Krista was talking, had I been talking about her a lot? I didn’t notice.

“I called her after you guys got here, she should be here soon” Oh god, why would they do that?

 

A knock at the door cut everyone off, that must be her now. I wanted to run into the living room and stop Val from opening the door but I couldn’t. I wanted nothing more than to see my mom, but not like this. She didn’t need to see what a failure her son had become. That’s what she had my younger brother for. When she walked inside all I wanted to do was cry, she was alone. Val welcomed her inside where everyone else got up and hugged her. She was smiling so brightly I wouldn’t of recognized her. I stepped into the living room and walked over to her slowly, my hands were shaking as I reached out for her. She smiled softly and wrapped her arms around my waist tight. I couldn’t hold back then, all the years of pain, hurt, and distance came pouring out in tears. It was like we hadn’t been apart for so long.

 

She sat down on the couch and pulled me down next to her, running her hands gently throughout my hair. I rested my head against her shoulder and wiped my cheeks, she began to hum softly and rock back and forth. And even if I wanted to stay awake and talk to her, I felt myself fall asleep against her. 

 

I woke up with my head in my moms lap, she was laughing at whatever Matt had just said. I couldn’t off been out for too long, considering the time on the clock said eight thirty and I had woken up at seven.

 

“Oh don’t worry, I used to help him get through them before” I listened to her talk, not ready to move from where I was laying.

“We’ve just never seen this happen to him before, it was kind of scary” It was Jimmy talking, and it was true. Whenever I had anxiety attacks I had always been home alone.

“He doesn’t like to admit when he’s upset, he could be shot and be lying on the ground dying and he’ll assure you he’s doing just fine” I couldn’t help but blush, my mom was right about that.

“But why? He’s obviously upset about something, why not talk about it?” Brian wrapped his arm around the woman next to him, I could only assume that was Michelle.

“Let’s say this, if you were dealing with something very traumatic in your life that could affect how everyone sees you, would you tell them?” Brian seemed taken aback by that.

“Well no, probably not” My mom smiled and nodded her head.

“That’s what he does, he doesn’t like having people worry about him. You just need to trust that he knows what he’s doing, and that he’s alright” I shifted my arm up and hugged my mom the best I could. I wouldn’t be where I was without her, that’s for sure.

 

She patted my head gently and stroked my hair, I didn’t know how long I had gone without seeing her. But it had definitely been too long.

 

“He’s lonely” Johnny spoke to break the calm silence, and he was right. I was extremely lonely.

“He’s got us though, we’re always around to make sure he’s got someone to talk to” Matt was confused, I really didn’t want to break the news.

“He’s not lonely for friends Matt, he’s lonely for someone else. Like you have Val” Johnny was hitting the nail on the head, and goddamnit I didn’t want him to.

“Oh, that kind of lonely” Matt said softly, I felt my eyes well up again. I didn’t want to cry, it was like crying over spilt milk.

“That’s why he got upset when I left, isn’t it?” Brian was torn, he knew how I felt now and I didn’t want that to ruin any kind of friendship we had.

“More or less, I think it was also because you were showing him comfort like his mom is right now and he needed it” Thank you Jimmy.

“How could I be so blind? I feel like I lead him on or something” Brian mumbled and frowned.

 

I wanted to tell them everything was alright, I was doing just fine on my own. They all had their relationships to go home to, and I had my dog and my work. 

 

“You didn’t lead him on hun, he’s not blind” My mom cut him off, she didn’t want anyone blaming themselves.

“Still, I should’ve been up front and honest about my relationship so he knew there wasn’t anything between him and I” Oh Brian, you dumbass.

“He already knew there was nothing there, why do you think he didn’t pursue you?” He was at a loss for words.

“I just thought he was shy is all” Brian shut his mouth the moment my mom raised her eyebrow at him.

“Zack may be shy, but if he knows someone isn’t interested, or isn’t gay he won’t try and pursue them” I chuckled softly at that.

 

The conversation flowed easily from there, I still didn’t bother to move and continued to let everyone tell each other stories about one another. My mom refused to let anyone talk about me, which was a nice change of pace. Matt talked about how he walked in on Johnny and Krista trying to have sex a little over a week ago. Or how him and Brian got kicked out of a bar when they were younger.

 

“I mean seriously, if you guys are going to get freaky in my house, please lock the door” Johnny laughed as Krista hid her face in his chest. Nothing wrong with a little embarrassment now and then.

“It was all her idea, don’t even point the finger at me” Johnny said tickling her side, she squealed loudly and slapped his chest.

 

I couldn’t help but frown, as much as I wanted to believe that I was better off being single, I knew that I wasn’t going to be happy. I had spent so much time by myself that I was going crazy at times. I wanted someone to call my own, that I could tell everything to when we cuddled in bed at night. Tears were slowly streaming down my face as I laid there thinking about how I was going to live the rest of my life alone and miserable. My friends were all in relationships, they’d all get married and grow old together. Maybe have children of their own to raise. I wouldn’t stick around for it, I’d go their weddings and watch them all get married. And then I’d move out somewhere I could be alone, somewhere they wouldn’t be able to find me. That’s all I needed, just me, myself, and I.


	4. Chapter 4

I had started looking at houses that were for sale out towards the mountains. The farther away I could be from everyone the better. I even asked my boss about working from home permanently, seeing as I went to the building maybe four times a year. He said as long as it didn't affect on my work he didn't mind at all. I'd make sure I sent in better articles to make up for my lack of person at work whenever I was supposed to be there. It would be a four hour drive from the house I was at now, to the ones I was looking at. And that was the only confirmation I needed to be honest. I would be truly and utterly alone. It didn't scare me that much anymore.

Matt and Val's wedding was creeping up on everyone faster than we expected. Brian was going to throw him a bachelor party while Krista and Val did something for her bachelorette party. I of course was invited to the bachelor party, but I never responded to the text. I didn't want to be reminded how single I was. Their girlfriends, and fiance didn't even have to be there for me to know how much of a loser I was. When the day came I turned off my phone entirely and curled up in bed. I had decided to watch the Disney movies they had on Netflix. It was a better way to spend my entire day than anything. The wedding was tomorrow, which is why they weren't going all out on the parties. Val had threatened Brian if he got Matt too drunk for the wedding there would be hell to pay. Now that would be a sight to see.

I grabbed my laptop off the desk near my bed and opened it up to the realtors page, I was going to find a house by tonight. Or at least find one I could put an offer in on. And then I saw it, a house that I could only describe as my dream home. It had two bedrooms, one bathroom. A kitchen big enough to host a party and a back yard that looked as if it extended for miles. I checked the price and gasped, it was under my price range. I quickly sent an email to my realtor and gave an offer on the house. I could only hope that no one else put in an offer and the house would be mine. I turned off my laptop and set it back onto the desk where it once was. Things were going to be just fine.

 

~~~~ 

10 Years Later

I watched as Krista walked down the aisle, she was holding onto Matt's arm tight. Johnny was absolutely beaming with excitement. I couldn't be happier for these two, they were destined for greatness the moment they met. Her dress hugged her curves closely, but in a tasteful way. Her hair was pinned up in curls, the sides braided into the back. I was sure she wasn't wearing heels though, she wanted to be shorter than Johnny, and he was only a few inches taller than her. Even though I was happy for them both, I couldn't wrap my head around why I had bothered to come back. I should've stayed at my house in the mountains and did what I was supposed to. It would just have to wait til I went back home.

Matt handed Krista off to Johnny and sat down with Val who was holding their little boy. I never learned his name unfortunately, I hadn't seen everyone in almost eight years. Not since Brian got married to his now wife Michelle. I just said my goodbyes and left, no phone, no address to leave behind. Nothing. It was nice at first, I didn't have to worry about how my friends and their families were doing, all I had to worry about was myself and it felt amazing. I did get lonely around the holiday's, but it always passed and I was back to feeling better than ever. I wondered where they had put me for a table, was I going to be surrounded by all my old friends? Talking to me as if nothing had happened? Or would I be surrounded by people who didn't know my name, nor my relationship with the bride and groom? I was sure I'd be with Matt and everyone else. I was for Brian's wedding since I was in Matt, and Jimmy's weddings.

They always asked the same question though, did I find someone after I moved. I did always give the same answer though, I hadn't. And I was just living life alone like I had said I would. Of course it felt too depressing to say that, so I would do something to help everyone feel better in the long run. They didn't need to know that I had things hidden inside my house. They wouldn't see it anyway. Not until it was too late of course. Not until tomorrow when I went home and faced the reality once again. The thought brought a smile to my face, not too much longer and I'd finally be free. As Krista and Johnny kissed, the church erupted in cheers and whistles. I clapped to myself and stood up with everyone else.

Everyone slowly left the church and congratulated the brand new couple, each getting into their cars to head over to the reception. I began walking over to my car only to be stopped by Krista grabbing my sleeve. You can do it Zack, just put on a happy face for her.

“Zack” Her voice caught me off guard though, she was already upset.  
“Come on Krista, you just got married to the man of your dreams, it's time to be happy” I turned to face her, she was frowning.  
“I am happy, but I can tell you're not, just talk to me” This was it, the moment I had been preparing myself for.  
“I am happy, I've just haven't gotten a lot of sun lately. But I can assure you I am doing just fine” I smiled and hugged her gently. I didn't want to ruin her hair or makeup, she still had to have pictures taken.  
“We've missed you so much at home, its not the same” I rubbed her back gently and frowned, she was the only one who missed me. I was her best friend.  
“Babe, we gotta take pictures” Johnny was standing by the limo waiting for her. I let go of her waist and looked at her.  
“Go, I'll see you at the reception” I walked over to my car and got in slowly.

The limo pulled away as I sat waiting, did I miss being home with everyone? I mean I did from time to time. But that didn't mean I wanted to move back and be reminded about why I left in the first place. I pulled out of the parking lot and headed down to where the reception was. The skies were clear and blue as the ocean. I didn't want to ruin her big day by moping around like a baby, she didn't deserve that. I was going to suck it up and be happy for her, she deserved that much from me for now. When I arrived at the reception I frowned slightly, it wasn't anything I was expecting. The building seemed elegant from the outside. And I could see everyone going inside. The wedding party were all taking photos down by a small river.

I got out of the car and went inside to find my table and get a drink. There were at least half of the people from the church here already. I wasn't sure I would be able to handle anymore people at this point. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Matt walk in with Val, Brian, and Michelle. They were looking for their cards for their table. I quickly walked over to the bar and ordered a shot of jack and a coke. Something to help take the edge off for now. It wasn't long before Brian found me though, everyone else must've been at their table.

“Zack, holy shit dude” He walked over and hugged me tight, I wrapped my arms slowly around him and hugged back.  
“Hey” This is what I wanted to avoid most, getting close to everyone again.  
“I didn't even know you were here, when you'd get into town?” He pulled back, his hands staying firmly on my shoulders.  
“Last night, I was gonna call but I assumed you had better things to do than talk to me” Brian frowned and stepped back.   
“Zack, we haven't seen you in how long? I'd rather get a phone call from you once in a while than to see you at a wedding just to have you run off again” It wasn't that easy Brian, there were things you can't ever know about.  
“I know, just trust me that it's better this way” I glanced down at his hand that had his wedding ring, even if it had been five years, it still hurt to remember it.  
“How am I supposed to believe you?” He was hurt, and I didn't blame him at all.  
“Because I need to do this Brian, I haven't told anyone how I've been anyway, you're not the only one” I knew I was acting like a dick, but I couldn't help it. I was sick of everyone trying to get into my business.  
“Just, why move out so far away and then get upset when you're around everyone?” Stay calm Zack, you can't do this now.  
“Because I'm lonely! Everyone has someone to call their own everyday! I've been by myself for almost two decades! Do you even understand why I can't be around people who are genuinely happy? I want that for myself and I'm not allowed to have it” I covered my mouth and stepped back from him, I had screwed up so badly.  
“Zack” Brian reached his hand out and grabbed my wrist.

I shook my head and pulled out of his grip, I refused to ruins my friend wedding! This was the end of every single conversation between any of them. I set down my drink and pushed passed him as I went outside. The wedding party must've gone inside to announce their arrival, seeing as there was no one outside at all. I was going to go home, and I was going to do what I had planned to do years ago. Why did I wait for my friends to get married? It was only causing me more pain to wait, to push this off until it festered and took over my entire being.

I got into my car and rubbed my face, I wanted to scream, beat the shit out of myself, and drive off a cliff all in that moment. The wedding party was probably announced, along with the bride and groom as they shared their first dance. None of my friends were going to leave the wedding to come check up on me. Why would they do something like that? They didn't want to be seen tending to the crazy man in the parking lot. I looked over at the suitcase I had brought in case I had magically decided to change my mind and stay for a few nights. The medication I was on sat in the small compartment with a bottle of whiskey. I could get a hotel room and just end it that way, but then there was the thought of scarring the cleaning person who found my lifeless body. I refused to let any of my friends find me, they didn't need to worry about me more than they already were. So I did the only thing I could think of doing to help occupy my mind was write. It had worked before, why not now? I grabbed my laptop from my bag and opened it to a blank word document, I began to type without a thought in mind.

The sun was beginning to set when I finally looked up from my laptop, they had probably finished eating by now. Krista had most likely asked everyone at the table where I was so she could talk to me, Johnny would be off talking to family he didn't see very often. And once she found out I was nowhere to be found she'd get upset and find her new husband. And then he'd be sent to find me, and he wasn't going to be happy that I upset her. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a person walking towards me, too tall to be Johnny though. I turned my head and noticed Matt, so either my theory was a little off, or she went to Matt instead.

“Brian said you exploded on him” So my theory was wrong entirely, it was Brian worried about me.  
“He got his nose into business that isn't his” I looked down at the document I had written, it was almost nine pages long.  
“He's right though, we're all worried about you because you refuse to talk to any of us Zack. You can't point the finger at everyone else when you burned every bridge between us” I opened my mouth to talk but shut it quickly, he was right. And I didn't want to admit that.  
“You guys don't need someone like me in your life, you deserve someone who isn't thinking about suicide all the time” I swallowed thickly and looked up at him. He was frowning.  
“If I knew how you were feeling, I would've tried to help. How do you think the rest of us have felt since you left? Seeing as no one could actually tell you” He crossed his arms over his chest and raised a brow slightly.  
“You're all married Matt, you have someone that loves and cares about you. I don't have that, I haven't had that in so long that I forgot what love actually feels like anymore. It's like the world has a vendetta against me, like I'm being punished for something. Except I don't know what it is” I shouldn't of been telling him this, I needed to cut it off now.

He leaned down so he was closer than before, he was looking closely at my arms and wrists. At least he took me seriously when I said I was suicidal.

“Just come inside for her, you know Krista will be devastated if you pull the same shit you did at Brian's wedding” Matt's expression was cold, so I wasn't going to be forgiven for doing that to everyone.  
“Fine, but I'm not staying all night” I shut my laptop and slipped it back into the case before I got out of the car. Locking the doors before I went back into the venue with Matt.

Almost everyone was dancing, having an all around great time. That took some of the pressure off my back, at least Krista's wedding wasn't going to end in misery. Unfortunately no one at the table would even acknowledge me when I sat down. I should've expected it though, I had wanted them to ignore me for years, and they were doing just that.

“Zack, come dance with me” Krista was tugging on my arm, smiling brightly at me.  
“You know I'm not a great dancer” I stood up and went out to the floor with her, the song changing to a more slow one.

This was the last thing I wanted, I didn't want us to be able to have that closeness between each other. She needed to have that with her husband, someone who wasn't going to leave at the end of the night.

“I know exactly what you're going through Zack, you have to understand that by leaving everyone behind you're only hurting yourself in the long run” She had her head against my chest, but her words were cutting me to my core. It was hitting too close to home.  
“No, we're not gonna talk about this, this is supposed to be happy” I squeezed her gently and frowned.  
“Happy? You being home makes me happy Zack, but when you leave all of us get upset. Did you know that Val's pregnant again? Or were you too locked away in your head to see that your friends still need you around” It didn't make sense, they were doing just fine without me!  
“Krista, you have to understand, I'm better off not being here” She scoffed and pulled me in tighter.  
“We need you home, whether you wanna believe that or not. Johnny had to deal with my depression when you left, and if you leave again...I can't put that on my marriage Zack. He may be my husband and I will always love him, but you're my best friend” I felt tears slip down my cheeks. I was doing the right thing, wasn't I?  
“Please, don't do this” My heart shattered at her words. 

I was giving up my life, a life of friends and family all because I was lonely. I felt so selfish and angry, angry at myself. It all seemed so stupid, I was jealous of a woman I had met maybe five times because I had a crush on her husband. I wasn't lonely when I was surrounded by my friends, those were some of my happiest times. I was letting my depression, my anxiety get the better of me. I was refusing to work on myself and work through all of this. I couldn't do that to my friends. I wouldn't do that to my friends.

“I'm going to come home” I whispered to Krista, she cried and squeezed me tighter than I thought she ever could.

I smiled softly and kissed her head. I was going to do this for her, she stood by my side through all of the hard shit in my life. Matt was the reason I had the job I did, he had Val pull a few strings and get me an interview with one of the big bosses and I hadn't looked back since. Johnny had always fixed up my car for free at the mechanic he worked out. Brian was helping me learn some songs on guitar whenever we actually hung out together. Jimmy had told me about all of his adventures after he went to rehab for the final time. It made me realize, I was ending everything over something so minuscule. Sure I was still single and didn't have someone to call my own, but I could find that person if I wanted to. I was just going to be picky, and fuck anyone who gave me shit for it. I was going to find my perfect person and that's that. I was just going to have to do it on my own time.

I was going to watch my friends have kids, and become parents. And I was going to be the coolest uncle any of them have, no buts about that. I would make sure about it too.

As Krista and I pulled apart from our dance, I wiped her cheeks gently. She didn't need to cry about me anymore. I was going to do things to help manage my depression more than I already was. Seeing a therapist had begun to help, he was really great.

“Don't worry about me anymore” I kissed her cheek and went back over to the table with everyone else. The air felt different, calmer.

I grabbed the back of Brian's neck and kissed him, I was sure everyone at the table was staring at me as if I had just gone and went insane. Val and Jimmy were both laughing. As I pulled back Brian's eyes were wide with shock, his wife just raised an eyebrow and giggled softly. And as I now learned, just because you're attracted to someone doesn't mean there's going to be a spark between you. 

“Just had to test a theory is all, so thank you” I pulled out my chair and sat down with everyone. Brian still had his deer in the headlights look.  
“Thank you for making this night even better than it already was” Jimmy was still laughing, I smiled and leaned back in my chair.  
“So, how about a round of drinks for everyone?” Matt said as he walked away quickly, Brian had shaken his head and looked over at his wife.  
“Don't worry honey, I don't mind” She smiled at him and blew him a kiss as he righted himself.

The table erupted in laughter as Johnny and Krista joined us, Matt with the help of a server brought over drinks for everyone. Val had opted for sparkling water seeing as she was pregnant. Krista leant her head against Johnny's shoulder and smiled, I looked around at the rest of the table and smiled wide. Matt was rocking his son to sleep, Michelle was teasing Brian about the kiss he and I had shared. Val was trying to help Matt. And Jimmy was drinking his beer people watching everyone else at the wedding. It felt natural to be there, no hard feelings from everyone. Just enjoying our time together, and no one knows if things are going to be easier or harder in the future but it's life. Some days are harder than others. But you have to take them one by one. I thought back to the bottle of whiskey I had in my suitcase and shook my head. I was definitely going to give it to Johnny and Krista as a “I'm sorry for being an asshole” gift. I'm sure they'd drink it eventually. I was going to sell my house, again, and move back to where my friends were. To where I was actually happy. Home.

FIN


End file.
